Two kinds of “nice”

There are two kinds of “nice”, and confusion over this issue leads to a lot of missed good relationships and a lot of accepted bad ones. I am about to clarify the distinction.

The first kind of nice is an ineffectual kind of nice, an almost sycophantic nice, whereby the speaker belittles themselves, is almost apologetic for their own existence, and seems nice out of defence or (worst of all) because they want something.

Although perhaps stemming from modesty, this kind of nice is in most cases very off-putting and unattractive, especially for women, and it helps explain why they often choose arrogant, unpleasant men who use them and drop them. They choose this kind of men because they display confidence. The women think (or only subconsciously feel) that although the men are unpleasant and arrogant, at least they are confidently so. But it is not really what they want, and it certainly not the way to behave.

There is a third way, and it is the other way of being “nice”. This is a kind of nice which is not remotely needy. It is stems from a strength of character and almost a sense of charity towards others. It is uncompromising, magnanimous, and inspired by an inner integrity and principles, without regard for personal gain. This kind of nice is the “nice” of a leader. It in fact displays far more confidence that the behaviour of the arrogant fool, and it is accordingly more attractive.

More on Facebook

Facebook is an interesting phenomenon which has already been more successful that MySpace or Friendster. Why?

First of all, as I mentioned in a previous post, Facebook capitalises on the best way to meet other people, which is through recommendation, and puts it online. Facebook is also very organic. It’s designed to allow people to update their status constantly, in real-time (which is potentially extremely time-sapping) - and it’s extendable. As such, it threatens to be very addictive!

Facebook is essentially a good thing, but like all good things, it must be used in moderation. It is also interesting to note that the site is made using PHP. It is an enormous, extremely well engineered and successful site, which should surely put to rest any doubts about the capabilities of this language.

The Talented Mr Ripley

This film, which I saw when it was first released, is showing on Film 4 again this evening. It’s very well made - very entertaining, as every film should be (just as every song should have a melody). Also very well directed and perceptive about human relationships in the same way that “Closer” is (which also stars Jude Law). That is to say, a way which is honest and unflinching.

Matt Damon’s role (and he plays it excellently) is essentially that of a sociopath (only incidentally homosexual), unable to genuinely relate to other people, and entirely lacking the confidence to be himself - to such a degree that he actually steals someone else’s identity.

The person whose identity he steals, however, is not greatly admirable either. At first he seems to be, simply because he’s popular, but essentially he’s superficial, postponing any sense of responsiblity indefinitely and content doing nothing with his life (he also strings along his girlfriend with apparently no intention of marrying her).

Hence this film has a double moral, one for each character: be yourself, and be someone of whom you can really be proud. The two can - and must - be the same thing…

Square pegs

I recently attended a day long interview with Nova, the English language school, as I am considering relocating to Japan for some time to concentrate on Internet work and teach English.

Most of this day consisted of a presentation and then there was an interview. At this interview Nova’s approach was the “set of fixed questions” one, whereby they try to psychologically assess the candidate, which I always find inadequate. It simplifies people, encourages fabrication and is an attempt to force square pegs into round holes.

They say, for example, “Tell me about a time when you were stressed recently and how you dealt with it”. This is a bit like the police tactic of “So when did you decide to steal the item?” - viz. asking for further details of an assumed state of affairs which may be false.

I answered honestly that I very rarely become stressed and things have been pretty easy during the last year. My interviewer didn’t like that at all. He wanted an answer. “Well, I can’t use that… I need an occasion when you have been really stressed.” Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t really recall one. It’s been a good year. I generally prepare well for things and I don’t get stressed.”

I was obviously not stressed during the interview and even offered to make up a situation to satisfy the question, but he declined this. There were other questions with false assumptions. I suppose they have to ask questions, but it can be very difficult when they have their fixed checklist which may or may not match reality.

I will see whether Nova want to hire me, but I will also see whether I want to work for them. I would be a strong asset for their organisation and there are a number of other schools which may be better.

The meaning of “busy”

When I was persuaded by the sixth form tutor at school to study Economics (funny how he was also the Economics tutor), the only area of the subject which remotely interested me was the idea of “opportunity cost”. When I start to read the Wikipedia entry now, my eyes begin to glaze over again, but I understood it at the time to refer to how people weigh up what to do with their time or money, and this is an interesting philosophical point. We all make these decisions all the time, and our time is arguably our most important possession, so we would hope to make the decisions well.

This introduces the notion of “busy-ness”. Now I don’t want to be too much like the cynical La Rochefoucauld here, but nonetheless, the actual meaning of “I was/will be/am busy” is “I currently prioritise other things in my life more highly”. The speaker has just made a value judgement, rightly or wrongly. To illustrate this, consider that nobody is too busy if they are told they have just won a million pounds and are asked to confirm their details…

The problem with Liberty

Liberty is an organisation of which urges caution in the placement of CCTV cameras, is (I understand) against a national DNA database and is against National Identity Cards.

I’m for all of these things.

I dread to think of the number of convictions that would not have been successful were it not for CCTV, and I think Ms Chakrabarti et al might change their position pretty swiftly if they or a member of their family were raped or otherwise assaulted and the police then said “Oh, sorry, we would have had footage but you asked us to take the camera down”. They can put a camera in my garden for all I care - in fact I would like them to do so.

Regarding the proposed National DNA Database, this could also be a benefical scheme. It seems rather Orwellian at first, but it is not such a big deal. Data should be recorded with adequate (very high) security measures, and this step would even further improve crime detection.

Regarding identity cards, I partcularly welcome this plan. I’d like to have one and hope it could include everything - my passport, driving licence, bank card - perhaps even the DNA sample too. It seems to me this would be extremely convenient, and again would go a serious distance to combatting many kinds of crime (not only illegal immigration).

If adequate security measures are in place, these steps would greatly improve society. People are simply afraid because they are new and seem draconian. But passports must have seemed a draconian, unnecessary measure when they were first introduced. Now we see their benefit.

Liberty plays a role - we need checks against government schemes. But when it is so extreme and paranoid it becomes part of the problem. With adequate security layers, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

Advertising Lie

I happen to be very keen on Indian food, and I’ll recommend to you a truly excellent curry restaurant, called Mirch Masala, in Tooting. The food here is of a different level to anywhere else I’ve been.

I have something to say, though, about Cobra, which has been marketed as a less gassy lager to complement curry. The trouble is, this seems to be entirely false. Cobra seems to me the same as all the other lagers (and that’s the problem with lager generally: brands are almost indistinguishable).

“Team Saatchi” were responsible for the advertising, and here as far as I can tell they are trying to sell on a USP (that’s Unique Selling Proposition in advertising speak) which is frankly non-existent, or at best imperceptible. In my book that’s a lie. Cobra is okay, but it’s the same as all the other lagers.

A lager is fine from time to time, and does go well with a curry. If you want one you might as well choose any of them, but if you are serious about lagers you will look to some of the Belgian and German brands, which have distinction. And if you are serious about beer really, you’ll look to our own home-grown real ales with their wonderful variety of flavours and ingredients.

Self-esteem

There are a lot of amusing quotations by Groucho Marx. I love this one, for example…

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

But the one I want to focus on here is this one:

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

This remark says something very telling about human nature and directly relates to how people often approach relationships. Very often people miss - they don’t connect - in a relationship for this reason. The very interest from the other person is enough to put them off. This is a well-known phenomenon.

I believe the root cause of this problem is low self-esteem. If people value themselves properly they will think it entirely appropriate for someone else to value them too, and will not perceive recognition of their qualities as a lack of discernment, or (even worse) an act of desperation, on the part of their admirer. It will not devalue the admirer in their eyes, but will seem perfectly natural, normal and welcome. It will even qualify the admirer as someone who “speaks the same language”.

This problem is often a significant obstacle to happy relationships and can lead to a great deal of harmful and time-wasting game playing, so it’s well worth me mentioning here. It is a false imposter, and should be overcome by strength of mind and strength of character.

Its reverse, by the way, is the way people tend to hold in high esteem those who ignore them, or do not seem to need them. This is unfortunate too. In fact those who are rude enough to ignore others should simply be ignored in return, and if more people followed this policy we would be in a happier world.

Olympic logo appropriate

I’m beginning to have second thoughts about the Olympic logo offering. It is supposed to represent London and it looks like a disjointed, fractured mess that is on the brink of collapse. Maybe it was more perceptive than we thought..!

Trousers down bottom

One of the most amusing fashion trends recently is the “trousers halfway down bottom” look, with some people going even further and having their jeans rest so low down their buttocks that it’s a mystery how they stay on at all (or how the wearer can even walk).

I’d like to give it a try, but I think I will have to get Gieves & Hawkes to tailor me a pair of especially badly fitting trousers. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to take some photos and post them up here…

Advertising Lie

The “Just do it” (don’t procrastinate) phrase that Nike use is a very good ethic indeed for life (indeed vital), but yet again, sadly, it has nothing at all to do with the actual products being advertised. It’s just picked up and arbitrarily linked to the brand, so I’m going to put it down as a lie inasmuch as it says nothing unique about it.

I am the owner of some very expensive Nike products, but I have to say the quality is really only average, and they were probably made at very low cost in China with the savings being spent on the advertising, which seems almost cannibalistic. Advertising and quality of merchandise usually have very little relation to each other.